What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 09:39
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
It was going to be , some day.
And i lived it daily.
Aut ut accusantium quos sint ad aperiam.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
When she asked me how she looked .
I have no regrets .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why do so many autistic adults deal with self-hatred?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Comes on , in middle age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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We all went to grammer schools
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
This is soul school!.
Im still living with it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Who then, do I blame.?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was in good health!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Put me off passion for life!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I write beautiful poetry .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I said to her
Especially a lifetime of it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She loved him until the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So, i spoilt her more .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I don,t even have a pension.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But, we were locked up after school.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We were not on the streets..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Ive learnt so much.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He knew the spot.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My life is so biszare .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One cannot live in the past .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I think the readers, may guess!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
What did i know ?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Would this be the day?
But it wasn’t much.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As i do to all so called friends.?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She married twice! .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was 9 years of age.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I will be 64.
I was very sick at this time too.
So whats the point in blame.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
All the time i was locked up.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I couldn’t, believe it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was scared of men, in general
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I waited trembling.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She found it foreign!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.